you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
