I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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