barbara walters just said penis...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
