my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize