How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I touched a dick in church today
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
