You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
