i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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