You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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