I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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