I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
