We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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