lets start a swedish sibling band together
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
