You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
