apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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