so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
