Moan for me like Helen Keller
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
