Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
