There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
