He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
