What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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