At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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