i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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