I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need water and some morals
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
