sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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