I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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