I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My penis needs a shock collar
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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