Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
