i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
