Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
