I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
PANTIES FOUND
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
