I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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