what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
