theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize