I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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