i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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