I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
