then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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