can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
