Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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