where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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