I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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