hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
