Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
