and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
