you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
