it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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