the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
