So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
