I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
