I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
