This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
