One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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