Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
