You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
