My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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