i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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