How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
