Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize