U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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