We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize