I love black thongs
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
