I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize